..my STAND on recent events..

type-type-type-backspace-backspace-backspace. for how many days i'v been like that,, typing but erasing all of it again,, back to staring at a blank page. but today, my muses seems to give me a lot of inspiration and courage to write this position blog of mine about recent events in my life. firstly, yes. i am a hurting flesh. and it's not just emotional,, but physical too,, although that physical part should be in another blog. anyway. i'v been cheated on. and it's d frst tym anyone tried to do this to me. i always thought i was too much of a good spirit to be treated as such. i thought my being too good would entitle me to an exemption ticket of some sort. well,, apparently not. in the past week,, i learned that the person i was with (my partner at d time and for 7months)had an affair with somebody else,, and altho it's clear that they don't share any other feeling other than that of lust, we broke up, i ddnt want that. i wanted us to be exclusive. i've known the person was (is) like that even before we were together,, i came to love that,, and explained that i'm never like that,, i am the conservative kind of guy. that person agreed and approved of it. thought i was so lucky. but i was wrong. i cried and cried when d news hit me. we talked that night but all i received was lots of hurting,, less explanations,, less apologies,, lots of hurting. i went home that night crying on a jeepney. having all passenger eyes glued to me. failing to stop crying real bad. even hugged my mom when i got home and cried. she asked me why but i couldn't tell. i am heart broken. what really hurts me is,, that i know the cheating happened back when we were good.. as in we were ok,, the relationship is functioning real well,, at least that's what i thought.. apparently not though.. days passed and just like a sour fruit that nears rot,, i got bitter,, i dnt wanna believe any1 who's good looking. the thing is,, i might be bitter about the situation,, but i am NOT angry,, NOT mad.. just now,, news came that he's not cheating with just one person but bunch of them,, great. still not mad tho. don't know what can make me. whenever i tell stories about what's happening.. people get mad and angry.. to my defense i always say to give the person some credit.. the person was really liberated.. and for how many months the person really tried.. and that wasn't easy.. i know the person is for real. all the feelings are mutual,, its just that the person cant resist chance on getting 'IT'.. but it doesn't make the person a monster,, because that's what the person is made of. one thing i know for xur. im in love. can't backspace that so easily. in fact i dnt want to. il stay in love. the last time i was in this state.. the person died. im not hoping for that kind of ending now tho. im hoping for a happy one. one ending that we're together and exclusive.

..TANONGs..

"bakit kung kailan kita kailangan tsaka ka wala?" "bakit pnababayaan mong mapalayo ako?" "totoo ka ba talaga?" "nagsasawa ka na ba?" napakaraming tanong na hindi ko kayang sagutin ngayon,, madami dito,, ikaw lang ang may alam,, hindi din nmn ako sigurado kung kakayanin ko ang mga mgiging sagot dito,, bukas bibigyan kita ng pagkakataon,, pagkakataon na linawin ang lahat.. honestly,, mejo ayoko na ng ganito,, hindi lng talaga pantay ng level,, kaya hindi nagkakasabay.. nakakalungkot kasi ayokong mawala ka.. pero mas pipiliin ko bng mahirapan para lng mapasakin ang gusto ko?? arrr,, tanong nnmn,, gulong gulo na ako.. mananahimik ako maghapon.. titignan ko kng kaya ko.. titignan ko kng kaya mo.. TITIGNAN KO KNG KAYA NATIN..

..ANSWER to everything..

why are there times of silence??
those times when i don't hear anything..
those times when i don't have any idea what is happening,,

those silent moments makes me feel a lot of emotions all at the same time,,

DOUBT
i never doubted before,,
and i learned my lesson,,
the HARD WAY,,
(see post before this)

FEAR
i always have this fear of
losing you,,
that you might go with someone else,,
you can't blame me,,

TRUST
i wanted to trust you,,
since you claimed that i should..
and i do,, really,,
i just need you to make me see i should,,

LOVE
after all this mixed feelings,,
even when i doubt,,
LOVE truly is the answer,,
i just remember why i love you in the first place
and all is back to normal,,

..cheating..

"..cheating is on page 26 article letter 'm' on your student handbook.."
i remember my proff back in HS days saying this during an exam..

back then i never thought cheating could be this hurting..
i never thought it'll give me this kind of heart beat,,
my heart,, i thought it stopped for a moment there,,
that moment when i saw you looking for somebody else..

now my heart beat isn't stopping,,
it goes faster and faster..
it amazes me how i can still type this blog..
guess my heart speaks here..

i started crying a moment ago,,
when everything comes rushing to me,,
akala ko im for keeps??
hnd ko na alam kng ano paniniwalaan ko..

this is huge..
T___T

..totoong laman..

APPRECIATIVE

i always look forward to how you'll make me smile,,
i like how you surprise me with small things..
i super appreciate the things you do for me..
am i a rightful receiver to all this??


DEMANDING

should i demand for time,,
should i ask the people you are around,,
the places you go to..
do i have the right to??


UNDERSTANDING

i understand that uv known them
longer than u know me..
i understand that we share your heart..
that they probably own the larger part..


JEALOUS

no im not jealous..
ok,, maybe a bit..
no,, a lot..
but should i be??


IN LOVE

it's been so long since i felt this way,,
way too long,, i might have forgotten the rules,,
please help me cure this love amnesia,,
for i only want to be with you..





ONLY YOU.
sir <3

..DILEMMA,, hmm..

wow,, it's been a while since my last post here,,
hahaha,, i'm sorry bout that,,
i've been busy ruining my life
and apparently someone else's life in the process,,

MY LIFE
i guess i should tell you guys about last term,,
i guess it started there,,
when i didn't show up for my defense,,
the defense that could actually make my life
much better for me to live in,,

so y didn't i show up??

i was so ready for the defense,,
done with all basic requirements,,
done with the models,,
in fact,, i even had time to read my manifesto,,
until i saw a major glitch on one of my models,,
so i got to my feet and started fixing it,,
well,, that's not really the prob,,
so i fixed it ryt in tym,,
i got to my room and i thought maybe i should
start copying my files to a single working USB
so there wouldn't be problems of transfering
when i get to school in the morning,,
i started copying files,, just to my surprise,,
the files i was copying were those files
developed 2wks bfore,,

yes,, all my development since 2wks ago was lost,,
for all three projects,, i started panicking..

then i remembered,,
i sent one finished file to a frnd of mine,,
i hurriedly contacted him to make sure he received it,,
and he did,, but i started crying,,
just starting to realize what i lost that night,,

i ddn't go to school that morning,,
its the day of my scheduled defense,,
i put my phones in plane mode so no one can contact me,,
i cut my self from the world,,
no communication,,
then i cried,, and cried,, and cried,,

evening came and mom and i talked,,
she told me: "maybe it wasn't meant to be yet"
i cried,, but i believed her,,
i started moving on,,
i even went to the defense of the 2nd set of students to present,,
it all went well,,

i told everybody im fine,,
i even mailed our prof and asked for forgivness,,
forgivness bcoz i was weak; i gave up too easily,,
i thought its ok,, i thought id be fine,,
not knowing that decision will haunt me..

SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE
i had this frnd whom i know liked me,,
i am very much aware of it,,
infact that frnd of mine reminds me of it all the time,,
sad,, i liked that frnd of mine
but,, not in that level,,

quite recently my frnd asked me
if "WE" have a chance of being "WE",,
i ddnt answer..

much to my dismay,,
that frnd of mine never made communication with me anymore,,
until recently i sent a msg,,
my frnd replied: "whats ur answer to my question"

and i ddnt answer again..
i just dnt knw what to say,,

sad coz i lost a good frnd just because i dnt knw the answer to a simple question..

for you: call me selfish or unfriend me,, just know that u will always be a frnd to me,, sorry..


ME AGAIN
beacause of not coming to the defense last term,,
i had to repeat that subject,,
so i did,,
im taking it again this term,,
only to my surprise,, my class mates aren't as enthusiastic as that of my former class,,
thus making me soooo tired at making plates,,
soooo stubborn and lazy,,
though it still poses challenges,,
it just wont get to me,,
im not saying its coz of the proff,,
my proff now is incomparable to my former one,,
i mean,, they have different teaching style,,
different mentoring style,,
they pose different requirements,,
i can simply say that one cannot be compared to the other,,
they are simply different,,

i got lazy i know,,
but just in presenting,,
i still make up to the requirements,,
last wed 430 was my schedule of defense,,
i went out of the house prepared for it,,
ready for battle,,

but i ddnt make it,,
i got off the bus at 830pm,,
i ddnt go to school anymore since i think its over(the defense),,
instead i went back home,,

reasoning: its beacause of super heavy traffic,,
it is not unusual to have heavy traffic going to school,,
BUT that kind of traffic,, no..

later that day when i got home,,
i heard the news,,
it is due to the crowd going back to the city
after a long weekend and holidays in their provinces,,
that and someone laid to rest along the way(a murdered celebrity)

then i remembered my mom: "maybe it's not meant to be yet"
but this time i ddnt believe,,
i was sooo ready for a defense,,
when will it be 'meant to be'??

arrr..

..THANKS to ALL..

in a few moments,,
my day will end,,
i would like to THANK
everyone who remembered,,
or kahit ung nkita lng s FB..

THANKS sa inyong lahat,,
i feel so loved..

my birthday will pass without any celebration,,
sabi ko nga: "..daladalawa n bday ko,,
wla p ako nacelebrate kht isa.." LOL.
yes,, dalawa sila,, pero that's another blog.

anyway,, my day was spent sleeping,,
yep,, i overslept and it felt really good..
wish i could sleep like this always..
oh well,, cguro every bday ko nlng..
hahahaha..


i started lying bout my age when i turned 20,,
now im 20,, LOL. thanks again,, ciao..