..my STAND on recent events..

type-type-type-backspace-backspace-backspace. for how many days i'v been like that,, typing but erasing all of it again,, back to staring at a blank page. but today, my muses seems to give me a lot of inspiration and courage to write this position blog of mine about recent events in my life. firstly, yes. i am a hurting flesh. and it's not just emotional,, but physical too,, although that physical part should be in another blog. anyway. i'v been cheated on. and it's d frst tym anyone tried to do this to me. i always thought i was too much of a good spirit to be treated as such. i thought my being too good would entitle me to an exemption ticket of some sort. well,, apparently not. in the past week,, i learned that the person i was with (my partner at d time and for 7months)had an affair with somebody else,, and altho it's clear that they don't share any other feeling other than that of lust, we broke up, i ddnt want that. i wanted us to be exclusive. i've known the person was (is) like that even before we were together,, i came to love that,, and explained that i'm never like that,, i am the conservative kind of guy. that person agreed and approved of it. thought i was so lucky. but i was wrong. i cried and cried when d news hit me. we talked that night but all i received was lots of hurting,, less explanations,, less apologies,, lots of hurting. i went home that night crying on a jeepney. having all passenger eyes glued to me. failing to stop crying real bad. even hugged my mom when i got home and cried. she asked me why but i couldn't tell. i am heart broken. what really hurts me is,, that i know the cheating happened back when we were good.. as in we were ok,, the relationship is functioning real well,, at least that's what i thought.. apparently not though.. days passed and just like a sour fruit that nears rot,, i got bitter,, i dnt wanna believe any1 who's good looking. the thing is,, i might be bitter about the situation,, but i am NOT angry,, NOT mad.. just now,, news came that he's not cheating with just one person but bunch of them,, great. still not mad tho. don't know what can make me. whenever i tell stories about what's happening.. people get mad and angry.. to my defense i always say to give the person some credit.. the person was really liberated.. and for how many months the person really tried.. and that wasn't easy.. i know the person is for real. all the feelings are mutual,, its just that the person cant resist chance on getting 'IT'.. but it doesn't make the person a monster,, because that's what the person is made of. one thing i know for xur. im in love. can't backspace that so easily. in fact i dnt want to. il stay in love. the last time i was in this state.. the person died. im not hoping for that kind of ending now tho. im hoping for a happy one. one ending that we're together and exclusive.

..TANONGs..

"bakit kung kailan kita kailangan tsaka ka wala?" "bakit pnababayaan mong mapalayo ako?" "totoo ka ba talaga?" "nagsasawa ka na ba?" napakaraming tanong na hindi ko kayang sagutin ngayon,, madami dito,, ikaw lang ang may alam,, hindi din nmn ako sigurado kung kakayanin ko ang mga mgiging sagot dito,, bukas bibigyan kita ng pagkakataon,, pagkakataon na linawin ang lahat.. honestly,, mejo ayoko na ng ganito,, hindi lng talaga pantay ng level,, kaya hindi nagkakasabay.. nakakalungkot kasi ayokong mawala ka.. pero mas pipiliin ko bng mahirapan para lng mapasakin ang gusto ko?? arrr,, tanong nnmn,, gulong gulo na ako.. mananahimik ako maghapon.. titignan ko kng kaya ko.. titignan ko kng kaya mo.. TITIGNAN KO KNG KAYA NATIN..

..ANSWER to everything..

why are there times of silence??
those times when i don't hear anything..
those times when i don't have any idea what is happening,,

those silent moments makes me feel a lot of emotions all at the same time,,

DOUBT
i never doubted before,,
and i learned my lesson,,
the HARD WAY,,
(see post before this)

FEAR
i always have this fear of
losing you,,
that you might go with someone else,,
you can't blame me,,

TRUST
i wanted to trust you,,
since you claimed that i should..
and i do,, really,,
i just need you to make me see i should,,

LOVE
after all this mixed feelings,,
even when i doubt,,
LOVE truly is the answer,,
i just remember why i love you in the first place
and all is back to normal,,

..cheating..

"..cheating is on page 26 article letter 'm' on your student handbook.."
i remember my proff back in HS days saying this during an exam..

back then i never thought cheating could be this hurting..
i never thought it'll give me this kind of heart beat,,
my heart,, i thought it stopped for a moment there,,
that moment when i saw you looking for somebody else..

now my heart beat isn't stopping,,
it goes faster and faster..
it amazes me how i can still type this blog..
guess my heart speaks here..

i started crying a moment ago,,
when everything comes rushing to me,,
akala ko im for keeps??
hnd ko na alam kng ano paniniwalaan ko..

this is huge..
T___T

..totoong laman..

APPRECIATIVE

i always look forward to how you'll make me smile,,
i like how you surprise me with small things..
i super appreciate the things you do for me..
am i a rightful receiver to all this??


DEMANDING

should i demand for time,,
should i ask the people you are around,,
the places you go to..
do i have the right to??


UNDERSTANDING

i understand that uv known them
longer than u know me..
i understand that we share your heart..
that they probably own the larger part..


JEALOUS

no im not jealous..
ok,, maybe a bit..
no,, a lot..
but should i be??


IN LOVE

it's been so long since i felt this way,,
way too long,, i might have forgotten the rules,,
please help me cure this love amnesia,,
for i only want to be with you..





ONLY YOU.
sir <3